Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
