I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
