Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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