dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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