i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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