Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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