12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
