Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
BRING THE BAGELS
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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