dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
It was like giving head to a cactus.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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