I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
