My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
