I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
