who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
He uses pillows to masturbate.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
