I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
