Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
