so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
