I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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