I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
