I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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