my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize