Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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