I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
