zippers are such a cool invention
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
wow bdsm is so cute
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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