I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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