there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize