God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
