well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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