U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
