There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Dear god my vagina.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
