The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
