The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
