i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
