Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I cut my penus on the lid.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
