Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
