I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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