I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
you mean i was at the winter classic?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
