The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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