When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I'm always down for nudity.
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