Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
