but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
