According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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