I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
