apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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