Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
