My liver just broke up with me...
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
