So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
