you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
last night I used snow as a chaser
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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