I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
