Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
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