I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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