Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
