The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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