I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
