dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize