When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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