Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Is it penis luge time yet?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
