I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
