whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
