i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
