Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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