At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
